I Have Seen the Light. Work is Wonderful.

I’ve lost it.

Have you seen it?

Like my sense of purpose or those thinner-than-paper AppleTV remotes, I’ve lost my motivation to retire early.

I’m a fraud. A charlatan. A has-been and a never-will-be. Retire29 is dead, and with it, I die as well.

What’s more, I don’t feel bad about it. What I have lost in motivation has been found in a renewed sense of appreciation for my regular job.

As I sign off from Retire29 forever, I leave you with these reminders of why I love working. Thank you for staying with me these last couple years. Alas, it was simply not meant to be…

I love my job because…

The Friendly Reminders in the Bathroom

Nothing makes me fell more taken care of than signs like this one in the men’s room.

Retire29's Work Bathroom

Pay no mind to the fact that those brown paper towels aren’t even in the stalls. Yes, I would have to physically depart the stall, unwiped, to retrieve said brown paper towels. However, this hastily taped piece of paper makes it feel like home.

I Can’t Get Enough of the Fancy Business-Speak

It’s like me and the people at my office are in an exclusive club where we speak in a language that other people couldn’t possibly understand because…well….we are smarter than you.

  • We Say: “Eric, do you have bandwidth?” or “Eric, what’s your capacity?”
  • You Say: “Eric, are you busy?”
  • We Say: “I have a hard-stop at 4pm.”
  • You Say: “I have something more important than this meeting at 4pm.”
  • We Say: “We need to leverage existing work products.”
  • You Say: “Don’t redo anything.”
  • We Say: “As this workstream dovetails into other change management initiatives across the enterprise, we need to engage those partners and integrate efforts.”
  • You Say: “Go talk to that guy.”
  • We Say: “I’ll need to perform a deep-dive analysis.”
  • You Say: “I plan on working very slowly.”

The Suckers Doing Hard Labor Outside

This is the view from my office window.

Retire29's Work View

On hot summer afternoons I get to watch groups of U.S. Marines suffering through pick-up games out in the yard. They’re out there sweating and cursing while I sit comfortably in the A/C performing some deep-dive analysis.

 

Meetings, Meetings, Meetings. Bring ‘em on, Baby!

Dilbert on Meetings

Nothing stokes my loins more than a group of intellectuals debating meaningful issues and discussing “paths forward.” I get butterflies whenever a meeting ends and we recap “due-outs” and “action items.” Mmmmm, thank you sir, may I have another?

Oh, it turns out I have another in five minutes…Score!

Blue Jean Baby. Friday, maybe?

Work/life balance, here I come! Nothing starts off a Friday better than heading to the other side of the closet. Far away from those cumbersome cottons are my delectable denims. And is that a polo shirt I see???

Columbus Day

If there’s one thing that retirees don’t get but us workers do, it’s a good old Columbus Day. Carefully situated in the long gap between Labor Day and Veterans Day, Columbus Day offers us a three-day weekend without any of the burden of having to recall why the Holiday exists in the first place.

Deep, Meaningful, Passionate Work

We all have a different calling in life.

Saving lives.

Fighting fires.

Rescuing stranded hikers.

Teaching children.

Comparing two sets of obscure transactional accounting data to identify possible gaps in system postings that may need a change request.

Being a New Hire Sponsor

I’ve said it before, nothing beats being a new hire sponsor.

“This is the bathroom. It’s where you go to the bathroom.”

“This is the kitchen. They clean out the fridge on the first Friday of each month.”

“Hey Kyle! This is Jim. Today is Jim’s first day. I’m showing him around. Jim, meet Kyle. You two will never work together.”

TPS ReportsDid you get that memo

Did you get that memo?

Commuting. God’s Vision For All of Us.

If you’re going to spend nine hours staring at a screen, you may as well leave home, drive for an hour, park your car, and walk to your building so you can stare at that screen while in close proximity to other people that are spending nine hours also staring at a screen.

Sayonara Suckers!

It’s been a fun ride while it lasted, but let’s be honest with each other: this early retirement thing was never really going to happen. It’s obviously far too depriving and far too inconvenient to save so much of your income. What with the Wall Street casino, those blasted democrats, and Uncle Sam taking every red cent he can get his hands on….

Brother, I tell you, I’ll just keep working thank-you-very-much. I want a life. I like my morning coffee. And keep your damned hands away from my cable television.

Nine-to-Five ’til 65.

Rest in Peace, Retire29.

Eric

11 Comments

  1. Beautiful April fools joke! Keep working for now, save that money, retire early and when the day comes to tell your boss you are retiring … at 29!!… wipe your ass with that brown paper towel and toss it down the toilet! You’ll be lying on the beach somewhere 30 years from that day wondering if you had clogged the toilet and flooded the place. Smiling the whole time…

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    American Dividend Dream recently posted…Financial changes to help with taxesMy Profile

  2. This is one of my favorite articles ever, I am going to print it out and bring it to work tomorrow just so everyone else can enjoy it (as most of the people in my department are working on getting out of the company in the next 6 to 9 months). Eric please never lose your sarcasm because it is truly a gift.
    Tyler recently posted…Many Paths To Take To Become Debt FreeMy Profile

  3. This is freaking hilarious. The business jargon makes me want to poke my eyes out 🙂 The only thing I would add to this list are conference calls… “who just joined?” over and over….

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